Operating Principle #1: Most of the people that work for us, with us and against us are operating in the pit of self-hate at worst and self-doubt at best.
Operating Principle #2: A truly satisfying quest of a manager is to help people to elevate themselves — should they choose to take the assignment — into a higher level of self-acceptance. Some say, this is about do-it-yourself open heart surgery.
Operating Principle #3: If I can accept the first two principles, then I need to recognize that 95% of people’s behaviours are acted out to increase their level of self-respect – as weird as that may seem in the moment. I mean, how can someone who is screaming and yelling at colleagues, think they can increase their self-esteem with those behaviours?
So let’s explore these fascinating aspects of human-beings-being-human.
I’m not naïve enough to believe that all good negotiations go this easily. And could there have been other factors that influenced and created such an effortless outcome? Of course there could have. But as you’ve already figured out, this isn’t an article about negotiating. It’s about being uber effective in your communication.
Most often, our default perspective is our own – not that of the other’s. Either we’re ignorant of it (and don’t seek it), pretend it’s not there, think it doesn’t matter, or ours is simply more important and we’ll try – mostly unsuccessfully – to convince them of that.
True human effectiveness begins with a genuine respect for the other and the willingness to seek out and understand others’ world-views. When we acknowledge another’s world and speak to it, people feel heard, understood – an opening for powerful communication is created.
From this perspective, anything is possible.
Questions to Self:
- What important conversations (negotiations, conflicts, partnerships, blunders, interviews, etc.) are you faced with right now?
- Get clear about what you want/need from the other.
- Seek first to understand.
- What could it be like in their world?
- What would someone in that world want/need?
- Why would a seemingly smart, rational person take such a seemingly irrational position?
- Pick the answers you have that would move the conversation forward.
- Be respectful, share and acknowledge those with them and see what opens up.
You might find your request is received a little differently – should you choose to take the assignment.
Dr. Jim Sellner, PhD., DipC.
Author: Leadership for Einsteins: How Smart Leaders Bring Out the Genius in People
Account-Ability: The Science of Human Performance — The Skill &Will of Getting Things Done
“For any manager who sees room for improvement at work, Leadership for Einsteins is the best place to start. Dr. Sellner shows how you can elevate your emotional intelligence in order to lead your team and organization to new heights of success!”
~Marshall Goldsmith, author of the New York Times and global bestseller, What Got You Here Won’t Get You There and dozens of other books. Also a Thinkers 50 Top Ten Global Business Thinker and top-ranked executive coach.